(no subject)

So somebody fucking else has already started and is posting their version of the not-so-Super Sekret-Project. I wanted to make a podfic version of your blue-eyed boys in part because I didn't think anyone else ever would, and now that someone else is, I don't know whether to be angry-screaming-child jealous or just crumple up and stare into space and be deeply, deeply humiliated. I feel fucking stupid for ever think anything I could do would be good enough and then somebody else beat me to it and I can't even be mad at them because that actually is petty and nasty. They have no idea what this particular piece of literature means to me, but I have no idea what it means to them either. Maybe they went through something objectively worse than I did this summer, and YBEB was their coping mechanism. Or maybe they just read it and loved it. It doesn't matter. I want desperately just to be happy that someone (more than one person even) cared this much about it, for M's sake, but gods, I was going to give her my voice, put myself forward on the internet in a way I never have before because I'm scared to, and I feel like my legs have been taken out from under me. It's fucking stupid and childish and awful and I want to fucking cry.